Update

So I guess everyone probably thought I was dead or have been in the hospital for a month or two, since that's how long it's been since I last posted... well I mean something but pictures. Especially since I was sick in my last actual post. I'm better now though (for the most part).

After my last post I called my clinic, I felt so crappy I really didn't care if I ended up in the hospital as long as I felt better. They were gonna call in some Levaquin (I was excited about that because like the one time my bugs were completely killed that's what I was on... I've only been on that like once maybe twice) but apparently my insurance wouldn't cover it, so I got cipro instead. And since it seemed to be more asthma-ish I asked for some prednisone... I had never been on it before but I had heard great things about it. I was given 20 mg twice a day for 2 days and then 20 mg once a day for 2 days and then 10 mg for 2 days. The first day I took it I felt AMAZING like I could run for miles and I sorta thought my heart was gonna explode, maybe because I was drinking Vault lol (oops...). I can't say that I'm 100% but mainly because my allergies are crazy right now. My sinuses are draining in my sleep and I wake up feeling like poo in the morning until I get everything coughed out (yucky) but I'm good after that.

My tummy issues have been relieved and I'm "regular" again lol. But for some reason my tummy still seems big to me. So I don't know what's going on there. But maybe it's cause I've gained another 5 lbs!!! I am not happy about that. My double chins starting to grow ANOTHER double chin! lol But I'm going in April to have my Mirena taken out so hopefully I can lose some weight finally. I was 126 before getting it and today I'm 155! I've always been able to gain and lose as much as I want but it seems easier to gain and harder to lose these days.
Another reason I haven't posted in a while is because my daughter turned 18 months and into a terror tot lol. I can't get anything done. She just constantly whines and if she doesn't get her way she literally gets on the floor and throws a tantrum. But she's done some more cute things though... she's not always a little monster lol
Hope everyone's well.

Misha

Flashback Friday

Welcome to Flashback Friday! The idea is to post about anything in your past. Put up pictures of yourself in embarrassingly dated clothing. Tell the story of something that has happened. The arena is wide open. Chose any medium you wish, but focus on some element of your past that you wish to share.


Recently my sister brought me a huge plastic tub full of Angela's (my other older sister) pictures (and memories).... like ALL her pictures. Trust me there's a bunch. And anyway I was given the task to scan them all in and put them on a disk. So that's kinda why I've been a little MIA lately. Anyway I thought I would share a few with ya'll.
This is my older sister Angela and her 1 year old daughter in about 2000. Isn't she beautiful!


I've been a little sad lately... going through all these pictures makes me remember her and think about her... or the person she once was... (Angela and her daughter Justice at her first birthday party)


Angela was always one of those people that everyone just liked right off the bat. She was crazy and kind of a wild child. But I loved her (still do) She was one of those people that "NEVER" met a stranger, she would talk your ear off. And although she wanted everyone to think she was a bad ass, she was one of the sweetest people you would ever meet. I don't think I ever had an argument with her. I think she was trying to hide the hurt little girl inside. Her biological mother left her when she was a little girl with my father (she's my half sister)
She was such a smart girl and always made straight A's. She had a 4.0 in college and actually after everything happened her college professor called my dad up and told him that he had never seen anyone so smart and was actually a math tutor in college. Of course this was all because all Angela wanted to do was make daddy proud ( I did too but I think that's an impossible task)(my little sister Gracie, Justice, Angela, my older half sister Glynna, Me and my mommy)


Although Angela was super smart, she had one problem. A big problem... she liked to party. Mostly alcohol....
(In the bahamas)

September 16 2001, just days after the terrorist attacks (when I knew the world was gonna end just any minute) I was awakened at midnight to my parents telling me to get my clothes on that we needed to go. Since my father was a police officer at the time and knew all the dispatchers personally they called us only moments after it was called in. Angela and two other friends had been in a serious wreck and she had been thrown from the vehicle as it flipped through a field. We arrived only moments after she got to the ER. She was unresponsive. I walked right in, I saw everything and for a moment time stood still. This wasn't real. I had to be dreaming....



Later, after she was flown to UK we found out she had severe brain damage, because when she was thrown from the car she landed on her head, the doctors were amazed she was still alive. The damage to her brain was causing her legs to draw up. Amazingly though she had no other injuries to her body just her brain. She wasn't expected to make it, but if she did we were told she would never be the same. She would have the mind of a baby at best.




That was 9 years ago. And she is still in the same condition. She has a feeding tube because she can't eat on her own. She wears a diaper because she can't get up to use the bathroom on her own. She can't talk, and she doesn't know me when she looks right at me.
Everyone always asks me why I hate alcohol, and why I'm so hardcore against it. The night I walked in the ER and saw all the people working to keep my sister alive. I vowed to NEVER take a drink of alcohol. And I never will and never have. Some people call me crazy and yes I realize Angela made a decision to get in the vehicle with people that had all been drinking heavily. But to me, drugs and alcohol took my sister from me. And took her away from her 3 very small children.
I have to admit I haven't seen my sister in years. In my mind it's easier to think that she's dead then to see her laying in a bed. Hooked to a feeding tube and wearing diapers. She can't talk, she doesn't know enough to talk. She doesn't know me. From the brain spasms her hands and feet have drawn up. It's hard to see her that way, that's not Angela laying there my mind keeps telling me. All these years I had let myself forget about her, because I just didn't want to deal with the reality, but these past few weeks going through her photos, the memories just flooded back. I have thought so many times... what would life be like today for all of us if she hadn't been in that wreck? Would I have somehow found myself partying, perhaps with her? Did this change my life? I also think of all the fun memories we would have made, just hanging out and shopping. She was such a go getter and always included me and my younger sister in everything. I really miss her....


I know I haven't posted an actual post in a loooonnnng time. But you can expect an update in the next couple of days.... Hope everyone is well

Misha

Wordless Wednesday

Sick

It's been sooooo long since I've really been sick. The last time was right after Lily was born, and I took Cipro and was good as new in no time. Anyway I'm sick and sooooo miserable right now. Cf decided it would mess with my lungs and my tummy at the same time, ughhh!

It all started like two weeks ago. I was great and being a good little cfer and doin all my nebs and everything and then my asthma started bothering me. I had just done my nebs and laying in bed trying to sleep and gasping for air, I would have killed for an oxygen tank!!! I have had problems like this before, it's usually something to do with my allergies (I must be allergic to EVERYTHING) and since I had run out of zyrtec I just thought it was that. Anyways I was coughing like usual with my treatments but nothing would come up. I guess my lungs just wouldn't open up enough or something. Anyway I finally got some zyrtec and immediately noticed "some" difference. And ever since I've been hacking my brains out! There's a ton of junk coming out and I'm just so short of breath. All I wanna do is sleep and I just start gasping when I do anything. I feel like I have a fever but the thermometer says it's normal. I'm starting Tobi nebs right now. If I'm not better in a few days I'm calling UK. I can't feel like this and take care of a toddler!

Now on to my tummy. I didn't "go" for like a week! My back went numb and tingly! I've been drinking miralax and eating stool softeners like their candy! The only way I can go is to not take my enzymes and take the miralax and docusate. I had the same symptoms when I was pregnant, but since there's a zero chance that I'm pregnant I'm ruling that out. I don't know what's going on with my body but I'm thoroughly miserable.

But on a happier note... there's a small glimmer of hope when it comes to getting out of this crappy trailer.... but the earliest is like Christmas! Uggghhhh my life.....

Flashback Friday

Welcome to Flashback Friday! The idea is to post about anything in your past. Put up pictures of yourself in embarrassingly dated clothing. Tell the story of something that has happened. The arena is wide open. Chose any medium you wish, but focus on some element of your past that you wish to share.



My mom finally brought me some new pictures from when I was little... and of course there was no date on any of them... so I can't say what year it was but I was around 5 and it was Christmas. I had wanted a pink barbie corvette power wheels all year and I woke up Christmas morning and there it was!!!! I was so excited but it was too cold to take it outside so mom let me drive it a little in the house and I drove it right down the basement stairs! lol Yeap right on the concrete floor. Amazingly it survived that.I loved my pink corvette and drove my mom crazy making sure she kept the battery charged for me. I had that thing for a long time and I would push my sister in it long after it quit but one night I left it outside and the neighbor boys stole it.... wonder what boys wanted with a pink car... Anyways I can't wait to buy Lily her first little pink car :)
This was me and my sister Christmas morning :)

Good Little Mama

Lily loves her little cousin Xavier (they're 7 months apart). She was just so excited to see him today, she tried to unbutton his carseat and then she sat down and wanted to hold him lol... even though he's like only a pound lighter than her.



Then she fed him.... more like crammed food in his mouth.




Then she tried to give him his bottle... how cute! She's gonna be such a good little mama.... a Loooooong time from now :)

Live

Most years I don't make a resolution. Or if I do I never make an effort to follow through on it. I guess I just assume the new year fairy will just point her magic wand at me and I'm magically going to be 10 pounds lighter, or I'll be a better person or whatever my resolution was will happen completely effortlessly on my part, but this is the real world and if you want to change you have to do it all by yourself. Besides the new year is always the same to me just another day. But however this year I did make a resolution. My resolution is just "to Live". No I'm not dying and i just want to make it through another year, I'm alive but I feel dead.

I guess maybe I should go back a little and explain myself.... I used to be the bubbly, ditzy, silly, completely obsessed with my looks, blond. And then my long time wish of becoming a mommy happened and don't get me wrong I'm so happy. Being a mother has brought so much meaning to my life, and I love Lily more than my very own life and would gladly give it up for her. But somewhere along the lines, just like many mothers do, I lost my identity. I no longer feel like a wife, a daughter, a friend, a person really, and most definitely not like Misha. Now before you start thinking I'm horrible... No I don't dump my child off all the time (and neither do I want to) to go party or whatever (in fact I've NEVER partied in my entire life!) What I am trying to get at is this... my entire life revolves around my daughter, in fact I just bought some new makeup for me (the first purchase for me in sooooo long) and I actually felt guilty.

RIght after Lily was born I sunk into a deep deep depression. They said I had postpartum depression but looking back now I think it was just the exhaustion. I literally don't remember the first few months of Lilys life. She was a great baby and slept like 5 hours at a time at night but stupidly I wasn't sleeping when I should have been. I should have slept when she slept but if it was daytime I was awake and holding her/ making sure she was still alive. I couldn't sleep at night for the same reason I would stay awake and checking her every so often making sure she was still breathing, I was terrified of SIDS. Not to mention while I was in the hospital for those 3 days I got not even a wink of sleep because of all the nurses and the respiratory guys that had to give me my treatments and treat me like I hadn't been doing them everyday for mainly my entire life!!! So anwho I was exhausted to the point of falling asleep while feeding and changing Lil. That mixed with breastfeeding, not eating, and absolutely no treatments. I was miserable. I lost the entire 22 pounds in about 6 days and after a week I was under pre pregnancy weight. Trust me people being a mommy to a newborn is the toughest job you'll ever have.

I did pretty well recover from Lils newborness but I honestly can't say that I have really done anything for "me". I hadn't worn makeup pretty much at all and I just don't "feel pretty". Not to mention the 20 pounds I gained after the birth control doesn't help much either. And the whole H1N1 thing left me in the house for months and months on end. Eventually I become afraid to travel out of the house because I've gotten so used to being (goin crazy) in the house. So eventually even after being vaccinated I became afraid of catching something else. All the time that I've been indoors and not doing anything gave me lots and lots of time to think about things, and I began to educate myself on my disease. My thoughts were that I needed to "know my enemy" lol... I mean since cf was technically trying to kill me. So I guess you can say that cf is dictating my life. I'm not super sick but somehow I let it keep me in. I thought by keeping myself and Lil in I was protecting us but the truth is I think I'm about to turn Lily into the social retard that I have become. I don't want her to be the outcast or just weird and friendless. But I mean those wal mart shopping carts are just so germy and all those hacky, germy people....

So in my attempt to keep us healthy and waiting to "live" the world has been going on around us, without us, living. I have read so many horror stories about cf and the truth is no matter how hard I try I "can't" prevent them from happening to me and I'm just becoming this empty shell of a person that is terrified to just live. So my new years resolution is to just live this year. To go shopping when I want, with my daughter. Wear makeup occasionally (I have actually worn it 2 days so far this year lol). To go to a friends house without calling asking first if they're sick and if it's contagious lol. To just get out and let my daughter play without always obsessing over germs. To do something for me every now and again and not feel guilty for it. And just have fun, and be that bubbly person I always used to be.

I hope this new year has been good to everyone so far :) And I hope to have more things to post this year about our adventures and not just about being at home, bored and lonely.

God Bless
Misha and Lily

This is me and Lil and I was actually wearing makeup.... for the first time this year lol