Friday, August 13, 2010

It's Been Awhile......

I have meant to write this blog for months now, there's just been too much going on. For months I had been in a constant state of depression, cf wasn't behaving, and well lots of other issues that I don't really feel comfortable discussing on my blog.

As long as I am being halfway compliant with my meds I don't get sick and need antibiotics (or if I catch a cold). I usually get sick once every year to a year and a half and Cipro has always taken care of it. But so far in 2010 I have been on antibiotics 3 times from February to June! Which is a lot for me! I was completely compliant each time I got sick. So with everything else that's going on and cf making me feel helpless I've been a total wreck. This last time I was on Avelox and I could actually tell a difference, but maybe not enough that I feel great!

But my sinus' are infected and a mess and they don't seem to be getting any better and i'm pretty sure that's what is infecting my lungs. I have a ct scan scheduled for the 13th of next month (which is my first one ever). Honestly I feel like I'm long overdue for a surgery and some IVs. That's really hard for me to think about because I've never Had to have IVs and I guess I feel like that would mean that I'm getting worse and makes me wonder would it be that I'd have to start going to the hospital all the time? I guess if I had grown up going in from time to time I'd be used to it and it wouldn't be a big deal. But i've spent 24 years healthy and never really had any issues as long as I took care of myself.

Because of everything that's going on and me worried about my health I have started having anxiety attacks. I had no idea what was wrong with me but all I could think was I was suffocating. I thought it was my cf... who knew your mind could cause something like that? It just so happened that clinic called me back in the middle of one of these anxiety attacks and I think they thought I was crazy because for the next few days afterwards someone from clinic called me everyday to see if everything was ok and if I needed to talk about it.

And here's another thing........ this is one of the things I've been stressing about.... It's really hard for me because I don't want to seem greedy, but I want another baby!!!! I know I have a healthy baby girl and a lot of cfers Never get that, and I know I should be happy but I can't help it! I see her playing alone and I keep thinking that I don't want her to be alone. I want her to have someone, I mean I can't live forever (obviously) And maybe I want another one for myself too.

In fact I apparently wanted one so bad that I went through a phantom pregnancy for 4 whole months!!! I felt something kicking me all the time. I know that sounds crazy and it had to be gas but I had never felt gas like that, and it was just like when Lily was in my belly. I mean I could see my tummy move. But it wasn't just that. I had a few other pregnancy symptoms including leaky nipples, yeah it was weird. I had like 20 negative pregnancy tests but I couldn't convince myself. Luckily I didn't tell that many people (because I knew at the time I was losing my mind). I kept reasoning with myself and then I'd have the symptoms again and I would go back into this state of knowing it wasn't possible but couldn't stop believing it.

I know I sound completely nuts right now but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the birth control I was on (Mirena IUD). I met other women on some health forums with the mirena and having the same "movements" and all the other symptoms and they had negative tests as well. I swear from the minute I got the Mirena, I just didn't feel "right". I had all kinds of "wonderful symptoms" that I won't go into on here but one in particular was it made me crazy. I was an emotional wreck.

Oh or the fact that I gained 30 pounds on top of my healthy weight! I'm 160 pounds right now! I know being a cfer I should be happy with weight gain but I would've been ok with 10 pounds but 30 is freaking crazy. And it doesn't help my stupid cf lungs have to carry all this extra weight around! I feel like a cow and well feeling disgusting doesn't really help this whole depression thing either..... Especially when my doctor tells me he doesn't "necessarily" want me to lose any but to not gain anymore and I needed to get into shape and gain more muscle. He was actually really nice about it, I mean it's not something I didn't already know. I just never thought I'd hear a doc say that to a cfer. The weird thing is I'm not all super hungry like i used to be and I don't eat that much.

So if any of you Cfers out there know any "healthy" diets let me know! Because I want to be smart and not get sick.