Sunday, January 31, 2010


It's been sooooo long since I've really been sick. The last time was right after Lily was born, and I took Cipro and was good as new in no time. Anyway I'm sick and sooooo miserable right now. Cf decided it would mess with my lungs and my tummy at the same time, ughhh!

It all started like two weeks ago. I was great and being a good little cfer and doin all my nebs and everything and then my asthma started bothering me. I had just done my nebs and laying in bed trying to sleep and gasping for air, I would have killed for an oxygen tank!!! I have had problems like this before, it's usually something to do with my allergies (I must be allergic to EVERYTHING) and since I had run out of zyrtec I just thought it was that. Anyways I was coughing like usual with my treatments but nothing would come up. I guess my lungs just wouldn't open up enough or something. Anyway I finally got some zyrtec and immediately noticed "some" difference. And ever since I've been hacking my brains out! There's a ton of junk coming out and I'm just so short of breath. All I wanna do is sleep and I just start gasping when I do anything. I feel like I have a fever but the thermometer says it's normal. I'm starting Tobi nebs right now. If I'm not better in a few days I'm calling UK. I can't feel like this and take care of a toddler!

Now on to my tummy. I didn't "go" for like a week! My back went numb and tingly! I've been drinking miralax and eating stool softeners like their candy! The only way I can go is to not take my enzymes and take the miralax and docusate. I had the same symptoms when I was pregnant, but since there's a zero chance that I'm pregnant I'm ruling that out. I don't know what's going on with my body but I'm thoroughly miserable.

But on a happier note... there's a small glimmer of hope when it comes to getting out of this crappy trailer.... but the earliest is like Christmas! Uggghhhh my life.....

Friday, January 22, 2010

Flashback Friday

Welcome to Flashback Friday! The idea is to post about anything in your past. Put up pictures of yourself in embarrassingly dated clothing. Tell the story of something that has happened. The arena is wide open. Chose any medium you wish, but focus on some element of your past that you wish to share.

My mom finally brought me some new pictures from when I was little... and of course there was no date on any of them... so I can't say what year it was but I was around 5 and it was Christmas. I had wanted a pink barbie corvette power wheels all year and I woke up Christmas morning and there it was!!!! I was so excited but it was too cold to take it outside so mom let me drive it a little in the house and I drove it right down the basement stairs! lol Yeap right on the concrete floor. Amazingly it survived that.I loved my pink corvette and drove my mom crazy making sure she kept the battery charged for me. I had that thing for a long time and I would push my sister in it long after it quit but one night I left it outside and the neighbor boys stole it.... wonder what boys wanted with a pink car... Anyways I can't wait to buy Lily her first little pink car :)
This was me and my sister Christmas morning :)

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Good Little Mama

Lily loves her little cousin Xavier (they're 7 months apart). She was just so excited to see him today, she tried to unbutton his carseat and then she sat down and wanted to hold him lol... even though he's like only a pound lighter than her.

Then she fed him.... more like crammed food in his mouth.

Then she tried to give him his bottle... how cute! She's gonna be such a good little mama.... a Loooooong time from now :)

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Most years I don't make a resolution. Or if I do I never make an effort to follow through on it. I guess I just assume the new year fairy will just point her magic wand at me and I'm magically going to be 10 pounds lighter, or I'll be a better person or whatever my resolution was will happen completely effortlessly on my part, but this is the real world and if you want to change you have to do it all by yourself. Besides the new year is always the same to me just another day. But however this year I did make a resolution. My resolution is just "to Live". No I'm not dying and i just want to make it through another year, I'm alive but I feel dead.

I guess maybe I should go back a little and explain myself.... I used to be the bubbly, ditzy, silly, completely obsessed with my looks, blond. And then my long time wish of becoming a mommy happened and don't get me wrong I'm so happy. Being a mother has brought so much meaning to my life, and I love Lily more than my very own life and would gladly give it up for her. But somewhere along the lines, just like many mothers do, I lost my identity. I no longer feel like a wife, a daughter, a friend, a person really, and most definitely not like Misha. Now before you start thinking I'm horrible... No I don't dump my child off all the time (and neither do I want to) to go party or whatever (in fact I've NEVER partied in my entire life!) What I am trying to get at is this... my entire life revolves around my daughter, in fact I just bought some new makeup for me (the first purchase for me in sooooo long) and I actually felt guilty.

RIght after Lily was born I sunk into a deep deep depression. They said I had postpartum depression but looking back now I think it was just the exhaustion. I literally don't remember the first few months of Lilys life. She was a great baby and slept like 5 hours at a time at night but stupidly I wasn't sleeping when I should have been. I should have slept when she slept but if it was daytime I was awake and holding her/ making sure she was still alive. I couldn't sleep at night for the same reason I would stay awake and checking her every so often making sure she was still breathing, I was terrified of SIDS. Not to mention while I was in the hospital for those 3 days I got not even a wink of sleep because of all the nurses and the respiratory guys that had to give me my treatments and treat me like I hadn't been doing them everyday for mainly my entire life!!! So anwho I was exhausted to the point of falling asleep while feeding and changing Lil. That mixed with breastfeeding, not eating, and absolutely no treatments. I was miserable. I lost the entire 22 pounds in about 6 days and after a week I was under pre pregnancy weight. Trust me people being a mommy to a newborn is the toughest job you'll ever have.

I did pretty well recover from Lils newborness but I honestly can't say that I have really done anything for "me". I hadn't worn makeup pretty much at all and I just don't "feel pretty". Not to mention the 20 pounds I gained after the birth control doesn't help much either. And the whole H1N1 thing left me in the house for months and months on end. Eventually I become afraid to travel out of the house because I've gotten so used to being (goin crazy) in the house. So eventually even after being vaccinated I became afraid of catching something else. All the time that I've been indoors and not doing anything gave me lots and lots of time to think about things, and I began to educate myself on my disease. My thoughts were that I needed to "know my enemy" lol... I mean since cf was technically trying to kill me. So I guess you can say that cf is dictating my life. I'm not super sick but somehow I let it keep me in. I thought by keeping myself and Lil in I was protecting us but the truth is I think I'm about to turn Lily into the social retard that I have become. I don't want her to be the outcast or just weird and friendless. But I mean those wal mart shopping carts are just so germy and all those hacky, germy people....

So in my attempt to keep us healthy and waiting to "live" the world has been going on around us, without us, living. I have read so many horror stories about cf and the truth is no matter how hard I try I "can't" prevent them from happening to me and I'm just becoming this empty shell of a person that is terrified to just live. So my new years resolution is to just live this year. To go shopping when I want, with my daughter. Wear makeup occasionally (I have actually worn it 2 days so far this year lol). To go to a friends house without calling asking first if they're sick and if it's contagious lol. To just get out and let my daughter play without always obsessing over germs. To do something for me every now and again and not feel guilty for it. And just have fun, and be that bubbly person I always used to be.

I hope this new year has been good to everyone so far :) And I hope to have more things to post this year about our adventures and not just about being at home, bored and lonely.

God Bless
Misha and Lily

This is me and Lil and I was actually wearing makeup.... for the first time this year lol

Sunday, January 3, 2010