I guess maybe I should go back a little and explain myself.... I used to be the bubbly, ditzy, silly, completely obsessed with my looks, blond. And then my long time wish of becoming a mommy happened and don't get me wrong I'm so happy. Being a mother has brought so much meaning to my life, and I love Lily more than my very own life and would gladly give it up for her. But somewhere along the lines, just like many mothers do, I lost my identity. I no longer feel like a wife, a daughter, a friend, a person really, and most definitely not like Misha. Now before you start thinking I'm horrible... No I don't dump my child off all the time (and neither do I want to) to go party or whatever (in fact I've NEVER partied in my entire life!) What I am trying to get at is this... my entire life revolves around my daughter, in fact I just bought some new makeup for me (the first purchase for me in sooooo long) and I actually felt guilty.
RIght after Lily was born I sunk into a deep deep depression. They said I had postpartum depression but looking back now I think it was just the exhaustion. I literally don't remember the first few months of Lilys life. She was a great baby and slept like 5 hours at a time at night but stupidly I wasn't sleeping when I should have been. I should have slept when she slept but if it was daytime I was awake and holding her/ making sure she was still alive. I couldn't sleep at night for the same reason I would stay awake and checking her every so often making sure she was still breathing, I was terrified of SIDS. Not to mention while I was in the hospital for those 3 days I got not even a wink of sleep because of all the nurses and the respiratory guys that had to give me my treatments and treat me like I hadn't been doing them everyday for mainly my entire life!!! So anwho I was exhausted to the point of falling asleep while feeding and changing Lil. That mixed with breastfeeding, not eating, and absolutely no treatments. I was miserable. I lost the entire 22 pounds in about 6 days and after a week I was under pre pregnancy weight. Trust me people being a mommy to a newborn is the toughest job you'll ever have.
I did pretty well recover from Lils newborness but I honestly can't say that I have really done anything for "me". I hadn't worn makeup pretty much at all and I just don't "feel pretty". Not to mention the 20 pounds I gained after the birth control doesn't help much either. And the whole H1N1 thing left me in the house for months and months on end. Eventually I become afraid to travel out of the house because I've gotten so used to being (goin crazy) in the house. So eventually even after being vaccinated I became afraid of catching something else. All the time that I've been indoors and not doing anything gave me lots and lots of time to think about things, and I began to educate myself on my disease. My thoughts were that I needed to "know my enemy" lol... I mean since cf was technically trying to kill me. So I guess you can say that cf is dictating my life. I'm not super sick but somehow I let it keep me in. I thought by keeping myself and Lil in I was protecting us but the truth is I think I'm about to turn Lily into the social retard that I have become. I don't want her to be the outcast or just weird and friendless. But I mean those wal mart shopping carts are just so germy and all those hacky, germy people....
So in my attempt to keep us healthy and waiting to "live" the world has been going on around us, without us, living. I have read so many horror stories about cf and the truth is no matter how hard I try I "can't" prevent them from happening to me and I'm just becoming this empty shell of a person that is terrified to just live. So my new years resolution is to just live this year. To go shopping when I want, with my daughter. Wear makeup occasionally (I have actually worn it 2 days so far this year lol). To go to a friends house without calling asking first if they're sick and if it's contagious lol. To just get out and let my daughter play without always obsessing over germs. To do something for me every now and again and not feel guilty for it. And just have fun, and be that bubbly person I always used to be.
I hope this new year has been good to everyone so far :) And I hope to have more things to post this year about our adventures and not just about being at home, bored and lonely.
God Bless
Misha and Lily
This is me and Lil and I was actually wearing makeup.... for the first time this year lol
I think this is a balance everyone with CF has to find for themselves. You're right - you have to just LIVE. I try to be smart about germs (keeping hand sanitizer with me, wiping off the shopping cart handles if they have those sanitizing wipes, not hanging out with people who are obviously sick), but to be honest, I really am the furthest thing from a natural germophobe. Most of the time I just can't let myself worry too much about germs, because otherwise I will just be living in fear and - like you say - forgetting to really LIVE. It's important to take care of yourself, give your body what it needs, and take reasonable precautions... but even the most careful of people are still exposed to things.
ReplyDeleteI was talking about this with my mom today. I just can't be one of those people who says, "I am in the hospital and it is my fault because I didn't {exercise, or whatever}." That kind of pressure is just hugely unhealthy for me. I have to do the best that I can to take care of myself and keep myself healthy, but also acknowledge to myself that a) I will slip up sometimes and b) I will still pick up germs no matter what I do to prevent it - and that those things are not my fault. My responsibility is to do the best I can to take care of me, but I am not perfect... and I have to have a real life as well. It's not worth it to live forever if you aren't living a real life.
Okay, ramble over. ;) As you can tell this is a topic I have thought about some as well!
I LOVE your resolution!
ReplyDeleteThis is something I constantly find myself struggling with as well. It's hard to find a balance, but I'm actively searching for one.
I always feel better about going out when the weather starts to warm up again.